Ok, so we all know the situation, you’re into serious music, you hate all this ‘wobble for kids’ malarky but, every now and then, you’re in a club and the DJ drops an utterly hideous tune that, under normal circumstances, you’d leave the dancefloor and head to the bar shaking your head with utter dissapointment. Truth is however, now you’ve had a few light ales, you’re up for dancing to anything… but the question remains, ‘How do you stop your beardstep mates from thinking you like this shit?’

This is an easy to use method that will ensure you can still brock out to tunes you supposedly hate (even though you’re quite happy to dance along when drunk / pilled up / in some other way innebriated).

Step 1: The ‘jog on the spot while honking your nose’ dance

As simple as it sounds really, jog up and down on the spot and pretend that your nose is a big clown horn. Honk your horn and smile inanely as you look at your other respectable junglist mates who will then believe you’re simply taking the piss. If they don’t join in you can get away with stopping as they’re obviously not as hung up on the wobble factor as you are.

Step 2: The ’shake your head in mild disgust whenever anyone looks at you’ move

Carry on dancing as normal but when a member of the crowd looks at you adopt a ‘I can’t believe I’m dancing to this shit… it’s rubbish isn’t it mate?’ look on your face. This will ensure they put it down to some kind of involuntary muscle spasm you get when you hear a two-step beat.

Step 3: The ‘rudebwoy swagger’

Stop for just long enough for everyone in your immediate vicinity to notice you then put on your best ’screwface’, make a gun-like shape with your right hand and pump your arm up and down as if shooting shots across the dancefloor. Move your hips like you’re making love to a sex addicted monkey at the same time for optimum effect. This step will not convince your respectable friends that you don’t like jump up but it will almost certainly make them think you’re too rudeboy to bring it up (try to remember that anyone who doesn’t like Twisted Individual or Hazard is obviously some kind of middle class pussy who you could beat senseless with the handle of your glock any day of the week).

In order to achieve maximum response you must remember 3 basic rules:

1. No Burberry, if at anytime you are seen wearing Burberry the game is up and you will be laughed out of the ‘Noisia Appreciation Society’.

2. No caps, dead clownstepper giveaway.

3. No white trainers, in fact best to wear a decent pair of Brogues with some cord trousers and a nice white shirt. Think middle class, think ‘I drive my parent’s Volvo’.

Next week’s instructional Daily Wobble article: Production slang, how to know enough to seem like you know what you’re on about when you slag down the latest clownstep atrocity.