If it’s worth listening to, it should be in the Chemical Records top 15, because that means people are buying it and people generally tend to have good taste, so I’m just going to listen to Realaudio clips on there.

#1 - TC - Deep / Robots (D-Style Recordings)

This record ABSOLUTELY deserves to be at the top of the charts right now! ‘Deep’ is everything you’ve come to expect from a vanguard post-millenial drum and bass record - stupid bassline, stupid lyrics, stupid DJ-friendly structure - yet TC and Jakes transcend such superficial limitations here, their breezy and almost careless delivery rescuing the track from becoming Public Enemy #1 among haters everywhere. Listen to them laughing! They think it’s just as funny as you do!!! Flip it over and it’s a completely different story with ‘Robots’ - the trancey atmospherics recall John B at his best; but with a heavy bassline that out-funks most of what comes from dnb subgenres with ‘funk’ in the title, we’re firmly reminded that TC isn’t actually a homosexual. Definitely one for the summer!

#2 - Subtitles 50 EP Part 1 - Teebee & Calyx - ‘The Moment’ / Noisia & Phace - ‘Thrillseekers’ / Teebee - ‘Two Sides’ / Break - ‘Extreme Moments’ (Subtitles)

In one ear and out the other. I guess if you liked cocaine enough, it’d be pretty pleasant to listen to hours on end of warped synthesizer noise on top of functional but awkward ‘funky’ breaks. You can almost hear the people on DOA’s production forum wanking to it over the sound design. But take away the intricate synthetic farts and vomit noises, and these tunes all fit exactly the same format and do exactly the same thing. Why would you need to pay for four of them? bdddnTSH babun, bidunnnTSH BWAH bdnnnTSH babun, bidunn BWAH bWIDIDIDI, repeat x4.

#3 - DJ Zinc - Steppin Stones (Zinc & Friction Remix) / Mistral (Bingo)

The breaks, sounds, and structure in the Steppin Stones remix are quite nice, but that melody MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. Could have been really good, but as it is it’s just filler. Still - someone needs to make the filler tracks, right? I much prefer ‘Mistral’; It doesn’t try too hard and just kinda rolls along nicely without bashing you over the head with anything. Sounds quite a bit like a Full Cycle/Dope Dragon record from back when they still mixed some goodness in with the stupidity and repetition.

#4 - Benny Page - Turn the Lights Down / Visionary - Soundboy Burial (Digital Soundboy)

Nothing to complain about here, both sides nail the ragga jump-up sound with tunefulness and straight-up class. Nothing to write home about either, though - if you’re in it you’re in it, I guess?

#5 - Nero - Requiem / Bitch I’m Gone / Autopsy / Bad for the Brain (Formation)

See, I think one of the problems people have understanding this new ‘clownstep/nu-jump-up’ sound is that they don’t have proper education in ALL the sides of where this drum and bass thing came from. Yes, ok, this is dumb and cheesy… but fuck, this EP has EXACTLY the same vibe to me as Formation / F-Project tunes from 1992 or 1993, stompy and silly, but with the corniest possible approach to introducing some ‘darkness’/'uplifting vibes’. Love it! Plus, all the parts are in key with each other. That’s important when you’re writing music, as you may know.

#6 - Max Romeo vs Unknown - ‘Chase The Devil’ / Prodigy vs Unknown - ‘Poison’ (Jacked)

Hey, i’ve got a great idea! Let’s flog some dead horses! ‘Chase The Devil’ is famous for being the vocal sample in Prodigy’s ‘Out of Space’, and here you’ve got a pretty middle-of-the-road ragga jump-up remix of that, backed with a pretty shitty remix of ‘Posion’ that doesn’t even really sound much like it except for the vocal and breakdown. Leave this one out of the bag.

#7 - Concord Dawn - Broken Eyes / Say Your Words (Metalheadz)

‘Broken Eyes’ is just fucking brilliant: vocals strongly reminiscent of Nine Inch Nails or some other depressing shit for teenagers, laid down over some epic distorted jungle trance. Personally I’ve been quite disappointed by the direction Metalheadz has taken since their post-millenial ‘revival’… The first few records were strong but most of it has been lacking in character and heart to my ears. But not this! It lives up to the greater standard of the label, technical elegance expressing fusions not yet heard. Pretty much the same goes for ‘Say Your Words’ but I don’t like that one as much. I’m sick of female diva vocals in general, so the A-side automatically has the edge in freshness. Either way, I’d buy this if I still bought records. Sounds good in realaudio, too.

#8 - Drumsound & Simon ‘Bassline’ Smith - Superfly / Syncopix - Jonies Theme (Liquid V)

The proliferation of all these ‘liquid XXXXX’ sublabels is really hurting my head. Yeah, that’s JUST what we need more of, records that come pigeonholed for you! Who needs to listen, if you like liquid you can buy every release on this label! I drink at least a few litres of fluid a day, so i guess that’s me. Oh yeah, there’s music on the record, I guess I should talk about that. It’s pretty liquid. Looped soul/funk/disco sample with filter drops + steppy break + subbass + kick rolls = you know what these sound like already.

#9 - DJ Fresh - Nervous / Subfocus Remix (Breakbeat Kaos)

Just like ’say your words’, this one tugs at my heartstrings right off the bat because it’s not some diva singing bullshit about love and happiness.. Then it sticks around in my head because it’s actually pretty musical. THIS sounds more like prodigy gone 2k6 than any of the prodigy remixes, you know what I mean? Pity the rest of Fresh’s new album is nowhere near as good. But the subfocus remix is kind of forgettable. Oh well.

#10 - Distorted Minds - No Test / Old Times (Ganja)

HELLO! TUNING? DO YOU SPEAK IT? P.S. use a bass preset other than the one you used in T-10.

#11 - Fresh - Nervous / Matador (Breakbeat Kaos - picture disc)

Jeez, if they hadn’t released this twice, ‘Nervous’ could be the #1 Drum and Bass record right now. As for ‘Matador’, this isn’t the first new latin drum and bass tune I’ve heard today. Did these people forget about 2002? LK? Barcelona? Remember when that sound was hot? Now it’s not, so leave it alone!

#12 - Jenna G - Lost for Friends EP (Bingo)

Oh boy, my two favourite clichés, liquid funk and diva vocals. blah blah blah love blah blah blah my heart blah blah blah let’s have kickroll sex.

#13 - Bad Company Present - Bad Taste EP (Bad Company Productions)

I bet if you bought double copies of the subtitles EP at #2, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between owning that and owning this. bdddnTSH babun, bidunnnTSH BWAH bdnnnTSH babun, bidunn BWAH bWIDIDIDI, repeat x8!!! It’s pretty much the exact same formula as clownstep only the sounds are so fucked up that you can’t tell that the melodies suck.

#14 - Propaganda - The Real / Axis & Allies (Off Key)

The Bad Taste LP left a ‘Bad Taste’ in my mouth for this techno-y shit, LOL. ‘The Real’ is a tuneless mess. ‘Axis & Allies’ has a cool groove going on in there somewhere, but it’s drowned out and messed up by 27 layers of acid madness. I should REALLY start doing more cocaine.

#15 - The Gorillaz vs Unknown - Feel Good (White Label)

Hahahahahaha, another latin tune? I guess this is different because it has a synthetic bassline instead of subs. it’s like the cutting edge… OF YESTERDAY!

Ok, that’s 15. I’m going to go have a smoke and sing ‘Deep’ to myself the whole time, because it’s way catchier than any of the other 14 records I just listened to.