Aries March 21 - April 19

It might seem like everyone is against you this week, probably because they are. Your incessant moaning about how ‘they don’t make them like they used to’ has become too much to bear. Slip on some size 16’s and join the party, fool.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Saturn moves into your sign this week and the moon going into retrograde will make you want to shake Uranus. Luck wears a pair of limited edition Metalheadz board shoes.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

A loved one will confide a great secret in you this week. It is your job to tell the world and his dog thus destroying their faith in humanity. Remember that NSFW means not safe for work.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Be careful who you tell your secrets to this week, someone is not as sweet, innocent and trustworthy as they first seem to be. Seek revenge through Tubgirl.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Lady luck is smiling on you this week: that Dub you thought you had lost is actually hiding inside the sleeve of that Hazard tune, the one your started a thread slating but secretly went out and bought anyway.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Remember that just because he said they were ‘Mitsubishis like they were in 2000’ doesn’t mean it’s not really a contraception pill. Look out for the girl in blue, she likes your new man boobs.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Mars, the planet of war, may cloud your judgment this week. Don’t tell them you put it on at the wrong speed, tell them it’s a new dubstep tune.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Your fiery temperament can get you into more trouble than it’s worth. Know when to be tactful; not all of us were born with eyebrows.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

It’s a kind of magic! Seismic rumblings on the D’n’B underground seem to have created a fault line from which a sum of money you thought you’d never see will erupt. Make the most of your Gain.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Complaints that a remix should not be done, as the original was flawless and should be left untouched, will get you into a spot of bother. Don’t cry to me when you don’t like the photochops of you in a blue crash helmet and the remix is actually quite good.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

It’s party time! The drinks are flowing this week and it seems you’re irresistible. The feeling comes at a price though; think twice before pressing that submit button. ‘Hin’ is not a word.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

So you saved your money, you paid for your ticket into the club and your ticket to London :slayer: Don’t be surprised if you’re posting threads about how you ‘Saw [insert name here] and they played a fu**ing breaks set’ by the end of the week. The letter P brings bad luck.